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Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

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  • Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

    1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

    3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

    4. When you call the I.T. Support, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

    6. When I.T. support sends you an Email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

    7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

    10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

    11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

    12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

    13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

    14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

    15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

    16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

    17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

    18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

    19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/ network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

    20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

    21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

    22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

    23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

    24. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

    25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    26. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

    27. When an I.T. person gets in the lift pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

    28. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out 200 miles away like to keep abreast of what's going on.

    29. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

  • #2
    Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

    When confronted with "tricky" user questions such as those below, you should repeat the appropriate standard response in a slow monotone voice (use a foreign accent for added emphasis) and then immediately hang up the phone.

    Customer: My computer doesn't work
    Your Response: Tell me about it

    Customer: Do you know when someone will call me back?
    Your Response: No

    Customer: I found a bug in your software
    Your Response: You should probably report that to someone

    Customer: Can you help me create a report?
    Your Response: Probably

    Customer: I got an error message, what should I do?
    Your Response: Go lie down until the message goes away. This might take a day or two

    Customer: I need help ASAP
    Your Response: All of our tech support engineers are busy developing a new splash screen

    Customer: Can you email me my license file?
    Your Response: What do you mean when you say email?

    Customer: I called yesterday and haven't heard from anyone, what's going on?
    Your Response: We're in the middle of a huge foosball tournament

    Remember, be courteous but be evasive. You don't want to get into a long drawn out conversation about the user's "problem". Life's hard enough as it is.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

      30. When ordering a new PC for a new member of staff, ensure that all the mains sockets are used up. Computers can now run on wireless mains power so there is no need to plug them in anywhere.

      31. When a new computer problem develops 217 days after an IT guy last touched your PC, blame it on him. The two issues are BOUND to be connected somehow.

      32. If you use a Mac, spend your entire life slagging off Microsoft to all known Windows IT guys. Macs never ever fail or cause any problems whatsoever.
      Best wishes,
      PaulH.
      MCP:Server 2003; MCITP:Server 2008; MCTS: SBS2008

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

        only fix the hot girls computer...

        never step foot in that department, and when you do dont let anyone get anything, then after you give every excuse why you cant help them, go over and fix ms. hotties key-bindings and record some macros for her.

        thats sure to get you some love.

        go IT.

        whoo!
        its easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
        Give karma where karma is due...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

          Originally posted by PaulH View Post
          32. If you use a Mac, spend your entire life slagging off Microsoft to all known Windows IT guys. Macs never ever fail or cause any problems whatsoever.
          Hey even I uses a Mac and I don't slagging off Microsoft.
          Why? Microsoft keeps me on the job
          Marcel
          Technical Consultant
          Netherlands
          http://www.phetios.com
          http://blog.nessus.nl

          MCITP(EA, SA), MCSA/E 2003:Security, CCNA, SNAF, DCUCI, CCSA/E/E+ (R60), VCP4/5, NCDA, NCIE - SAN, NCIE - BR, EMCPE
          "No matter how secure, there is always the human factor."

          "Enjoy life today, tomorrow may never come."
          "If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill"

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

            Originally posted by Dumber View Post
            Hey even I uses a Mac and I don't slagging off Microsoft.
            Why? Microsoft keeps me on the job
            LOL Marcel! Nice one!

            I speak from experience of working for a Mac dealership. We had one guy in the shop begging us to fix his new iMac same day, because all his mates said he was only buying a Mac for the badge, and he didn't want them to know it had broken down 2 days after purchase. So, he wanted a quick repair so he could pretend that it never broke down. Way to go...
            Best wishes,
            PaulH.
            MCP:Server 2003; MCITP:Server 2008; MCTS: SBS2008

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

              Weeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! I get to complain more.

              33. Tell IT every problem is urgent. (Well it is if you leave your project until the last minute and then find your computing resources up to your needs :/ ) This is how IT know they have to do something.

              34. Everyone gets what they want always. If you are refused a request it is because the IT person you are dealing with hates you. Ask someone else for the same thing! /nod

              35. If your problem isn't resolved in ten minutes complain to everyone, email everyone, be angry with whomever helps you, why had you to wait OMG!?!

              36. Email is instant, procurement is done via email or the web => instant. Delivery is instant too! If your new equipment isn't installed as soon as you request it IT are slacking. It's true!

              37. Never ever include your phone number in your email sig (or even your name, just the first letter of your first name is more then enough, you are that cool and so well know ), it makes you more mysterious and when people have to look your number up they are more likely to remember it.
              I don't know anything about (you or your) computers.
              Research/test for yourself when listening to free advice.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

                38. Please do use the subject line in your email for the entire text of your message.

                39. When IT informs you of the upcoming Exchange server maintenance, don't ask us if your phone will still work. It won't... the Exchange server and the PBX system are hopelessly intertwined.

                40. Wait until 4 PM the day before a holiday after everyone else in the office has left to inform us that you'd like us to reprogram the call routing table for all 25 toll free lines. Holidays mean nothing to us, we live to serve.

                41. Call us at lunch and tell us that you hate to interrupt us, then interrupt us anyway.

                42. Ask us to fix your home computer. We love to clean virus, spyware, adware, and porn infected computers in our spare time.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

                  Originally posted by joeqwerty View Post
                  39. When IT informs you of the upcoming Exchange server maintenance, don't ask us if your phone will still work. It won't... the Exchange server and the PBX system are hopelessly intertwined.
                  careful what you ask for that is coming............
                  "...if I turn out to be particularly clear, you've probably misunderstood what I've said” - Alan Greenspan

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

                    Brilliant!!!
                    CCA: XenApp 5.0

                    Comment

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